No Strings Attached

No Strings Attached opens this Friday.



Despite being executive produced and starring former and probably future Academy Award nominee Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached feels more like director Ivan Reitman's cry for help. Throughout this dreadful and highly illogical affair, Reitman works in numerous visual references to his past glories (meaning Evolution and My Super Ex-Girlfriend are nowhere on display) that when we see a Meatballs poster prominently displayed in the apartment of one of the main characters, a knowing viewer feels like he or she is getting elbowed in the ribs to the point of assault. "Remember Meatballs? THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, RIGHT?" Sadly, this film isn't in the same class as Meatballs. It is barely even in the same class with any other film that could even fit into the raunchy romantic comedy sub-genre. It is so strangely off putting without necessarily being offensive and it isn't even that raunchy. Despite having a cast that is mostly giving their all it still manages to leave everyone so horribly adrift that it feels like watching an entire cast left in suspended animation.

Ashton Kutcher stars as Adam, a struggling writer working as an assistant director on a High School Musical style show who is constantly living in the shadow of his more successful actor father (Kevin Kline) who is now sleeping with his his son's ex-girlfriend (Olivia Thirby). In a drunken fit of loneliness one night, Adam calls every woman in his cell phone and vows to sleep with the first woman who agrees to have sex with him.

Adam awakes the next day at the house of Emma (Portman), the girl who keeps randomly popping into his life creating a puppy dog attachment that lasts for years. Adam didn't manage to sleep with Emma or any of her roommates (including the thoroughly wasted Greta Geriwg and Mindy Kaling), but they manage to finally have sex that very morning. This leads to the two of them entering into an agreement where they can use each other for sex and sex along at any time of day regardless of location or circumstance. They are never allowed to fall in love under Emma's predetermined set of rules and guidelines. Adam is far too romantic and can not separate love from sex. Emma is a loner... well, more on that shortly, but if you can read or write or fake doing either, you can see exactly where this story is headed.

You know a comedy is bad when the number of times you check your watch is greater than the number of times you laugh (Final score: Watch 6, Comedy 4). No Strings Attached is almost aggressive in how unfunny it is and it manages to break some of the most fundamental rules of comedy. You would have thought that the director of Ghostbusters and Animal House would have noticed these problems, but apparently that Ivan Reitman is dead to the world and left his talent to his son in the will. He was probably too busy counting the money from people living on his property in downtown Toronto.

The script from Elizabeth Merriweather goes out of its way to make dialog that seems real, but it ultimately comes across as banal. It forces the actors to explain every single punchline to every single joke and pop culture reference. The jokes are telegraphed so far in advance that you could see the punchlines from Jupiter, but then a character will come along and say something to the effect of "That was from..." or "That's because..." Also, you know how when a joke is failing, people like to say what the joke is about? And then they will all, be like, you see, because that was what the joke is about? What I am telling you right now? Because that was the joke? I hope you really love that kind of awkwardness because you are in for a whopping 106 minutes of that pretty much non-stop. In real life such signs of snark are used because a joke is FAILING. Did the writers ever consider that for a single second. The film constantly admits that it isn't funny. These characters are so nervous about their jokes that the projector practically has a seizure every time someone farts one out.

Also, giving characters quirks are not funny unless you give them something funny to do. Example: One of Emma's roommates is very effeminately gay. He over enunciates everything, remarks about seeing thousands of penises, and is flamboyant to the extreme. The funniest line the script throws at him is "Yup, I'm definitely gay." This is when you are first introduced to the character at the end of a scene JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOKE I AM GOING TO SHOUT IT IN YOUR FACE.

I want to send a fruit basket to almost every member of the cast. They do what they can with what they have to work with, but the script is so, for lack of a better word, shitty that all we can do is mourn the loss of their dignity. Kutcher gets the material and comes out better than most of what he has to work with. Yes, Ashton Kutcher is better than this movie, but the same could also be said for Killers, Just Married, and pretty much every movie he has ever been in. Also, why hire Ludacris (as one of Adam's best friends) to just explain other people's jokes and nod his head authoritatively whenever Reitman needs a reaction shot from someone? Why hire Cary Elwes as Emma's boss, hide him under a hideous beard, and not give him a single memorable thing to do. As for Kevin Kline, I don't know why he signed on to do this in the first place. Kline, who is normally a great comedic actor, is shockingly unfunny in every scene he is in. Ashton is good. Kline is bad. Up is down. Black is white. Dogs and cats, living together. Mass hysteria!

THAT WAS FROM GHOSTBUSTERS. THAT WAS AN IVAN REITMAN FILM. THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

As for Portman, she should win an award for stumbling through the role of what may very well be the most thoroughly unlikable leading lady in romantic comedy history. Portman herself is great as Emma, but the character is a mess. Emma is such a sociopath that a dead tortoise could see that sleeping with her in any way would be a bad life choice. Even worse, the script gives Emma no real reason at all to behave the way she does. Anyone who is this mentally damaged has to have a reason to be in order to connect with the audience. Emma doesn't have that. The film attempts to give us a one sentence explanation that is illogical, sexist, insipid, and contradictory all at the same time. It is so tacked on that I had to confirm with three other people that saw the movie that it even happened. Even worse, that one line is contradicted by the third scene in the film which makes he character look even worse the more you think about it afterwards.

No Strings Attached is an endless slog with a myriad of half baked subplots involving characters too underdeveloped to care about being handily tied up over the closing credits. By the time it is over you might have felt like you had a good time if you were really wasted, but you will probably hate yourself in the morning.

Also, it should be noted that Reitman cameos in his own film as the director of the kiddie show Adam slaves away on. Someone please get this man a good script as soon as possible or I see his cameo as being oddly prophetic. As for Portman, a fine actress who does show some comedic ability here, lets just hope this does not turn out to be her Norbit.

Rating (out of 4 stars): *1/2