Hey, Remember That Movie? #4: No Holds Barred

In the interest of full disclosure, I should let it be known now that I am a casual wrestling fan to this day. I will still watch from time to time, especially as Wrestlemania approaches. Even being a fan of the spectacle of wrestling, I can’t defend the 1989 film No Holds Barred in any way other than a so bad it is AMAZING way, but I can offer some slight perspective as to its general appeal amongst cult film aficionados.

Everyone has days that take their toll; days where everything you try goes wrong, or you are dealt a crushing blow to your physical, social, sexual, financial or psychological well being. You feel so low that you swear your life is becoming a country song.

You come home and throw your keys down on the table in disgust. No one is home and your cat is ignoring you. You open the fridge and find nothing but milk and condiments and the freezer holds only ice, frozen salmon, and that last Philly cheesesteak sandwich pocket in it’s half opened wrapping since you learned the first one was terrible enough on its own. Instead, you opt for ramen noodles made in an already dirty bowl and a pot of coffee because you can’t afford any kind of alcoholic or carbonated beverages.

You slump down in a chair by the television staring off into space and thinking that you need to do something to break out of the rut you are in. You begin to think of things to watch that could make you happy, or make you laugh and feel better about yourself. In my darkest hours and in the most crippling of depressions, this is a movie that can bring me out of my funk.

Which is funny because when it comes to being a wrestling fan, I was never that huge of a Hogan fan. When I was a child and really interested in wrestling, I would always gravitate towards more technically accomplished wrestlers like Ric Flair, Bret Hart, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, and Chris Jericho. These were people who were great entertainers. They could perform feats the likes of which you would probably never see again. They could talk on a microphone and instill fear and envy into the hearts of men everywhere. Hogan knew three or four moves and his matches were often as boring as sin. As for his microphone skills:

Hogan was a man who always went into business for himself on the microphone and used fairly cheap tricks to get people to buy into his act. As a face (or a good guy as some people call them) he always said the same things in a two minute interview without really saying anything at all. He always talked about how he would persevere and the prayers, the training, the vitamins, and all the little Hulkamaniacs and how they would help him through every challenge. There was an affable and comfortable familiarity to what he did, but even as a child he bored me. Even his appearance was something that seemed too well planned out. The bleach blonde hair was almost a direct rip-off of Flair and made the fairly young Hogan look like a grandfather. His almost chronically sunburnt look always grossed me out, and you could argue that his self proclaimed “largest arms in the world” led to a rise in steroid usage once he became popular.

Even backstage in the locker room, most people would tell you Hogan was the biggest kiss ass there was. He was always looking for some new angle to work that would keep him on top. He was the only person who had full creative control over the outcome of his matches. If he didn’t want to lose, he wasn’t going to. He had several friends that tried to backpack on his popularity, but for the most part Hogan never interacted with his co-workers and during his entire tenure was one of only two people who had his own private dressing room (the batshit crazy Ultimate Warrior being the other one).

At the height of Hogan’s popularity, a movie seemed like a can’t-miss proposal. Vince McMahon commissioned a script be made for Hogan, and so they were given a treatment for what was to become No Holds Barred. Vince and Hogan liked the story, but were unimpressed with the script itself. McMahon and Hogan then rewrote the entire script over the course of three days in a hotel room. I don’t know what the script looked like before that fateful day at the Doubletree Inn, but what came out of that room is a movie so terrible that it has become a camp classic. It is a movie so idiotic that I could just show you the whole movie and end the column now. It is a movie like Plan 9 From Outer Space or Troll 2 that manages to be likable by being terrible. You feel bad for the people involved, and you almost want to forgive them.

It takes less than two minutes for the movie to go to shit. The movie starts off with Hogan screaming and growling in slow motion and as far as I can tell, it was meant to be serious. Hogan plays Rip, who is the WWF champion in the film, which begs the question, if the WWF produced this movie, why don’t they just have Hogan play himself? The film’s first gap in logic happens there, but the come at a pretty good clip after that.

Rip’s entire back story is set up in the first few minutes as he comes to the ring with his brother Randy, a young man with such an “aw shucks” attitude you just want to punch him in the face the moment you see him. You know, ever since their mother died Rip and Randy have been more than just brothers? The movie fails to go into specifics, but their relationship doesn’t make any sense. Randy looks nothing like his brother and seems to only be there to set up character motivation later in the movie.

Much like Hogan was known for hulking up (where he seems defeated and mounts a miraculous comeback while being impervious to pain) and ripping his shirt, Rip has his own signature taunt: the Rip ‘Em hand gesture. Which is nothing more than saying “I love you” in sign language. This further illustrates how out of touch with reality this movie is by assuming that the viewer knows less sign language than the average two year old.

The ridiculous nature of the film continues when we meet Brell (played by Kurt Fuller) who is the head of the World Television Network. Apparently, in this magical fantasy world, professional wrestling has made the only other network in the world more popular than Brell’s. Brell knows that in order to be competitive in today’s spandex and sweat marketplace, he needs to have Rip on his network.

Brell arranges a meeting with Rip and tries to entice him to jump ship by offering him a blank check. But Rip is such a man of high integrity that no amount of berating from Brell (even calling him a “jock ass” repeatedly can get him to cash in on his popularity. Rip’s disgust is punctuated in a classic scene where Rip stuffs the blank check down Brell’s throat and telling him “I won’t be around when this check clears.” Rip gives them the Rip ‘Em sign and leaves.

On the way back from the meeting in a limo paid for by Brell, Rip is kidnapped and taken to a warehouse where a bunch of thugs have been hired to do something to Rip. It’s not really clear if they were going to kill him or beat the shit out of him, but their plan fails horribly as Rip is able to burst through the metal fucking roof of the limousine and lays waste to everyone in sight. He even makes the driver shit himself in the one scene the movie is best known for. If you only watch one film clip I ever post in this blog, make it this one:

Needless to say, Brell is shit out of luck in more ways than one. Brell needs to get into the wrestling game, but he needs some sort of extreme angle to bring viewers in. One night Brell brings a bunch of his creative team to the No Count Bar, a honky-tonk bar with a ring in the middle where drunken rednecks fight to the near death for free beers. The viewer knows the bar is dangerous because it is a Patrick Swayze away from being Road House. Also, because like Fenway Park, they still have trough urinals.

Brell creates “Battle of the Tough Guys” and soon finds his star. A large black man named Zeus (played by Tim “Tiny” Lister, better known for his role in the Friday films and as the president in The Fifth Element) who looks like the evil twin of the guy from The Green Mile. He allegedly has just gotten out of prison for killing a man in the ring after their match was over. He also has a patch of hair on the side of his head shaved into the shape of a Z.

Still not satisfied with his own success, Brell sends a corporate spy named Samantha, played by Joan Severance, to try and seduce Rip and cause him to... well, actually, I don’t know what the point of having her there is other than to have her turn against her former employer and fall in love with Rip. Samantha falls for Rip because... well, shit. I don’t even know why she does that either? Is it his love of charitable work? His way to stand up to snooty waiters in French restaurants when he finds out he can’t order a hamburger? Maybe it was his astute observation when they find themselves sharing a room together and saying that she has “set up more walls that I ever could.” Rip gives her the Rip ‘Em sign and leaves.

His plan having failed, Brell sends someone to take out Samantha, but just like a superhero that happened to be in the area on his motorcycle, Rip is there to save the day by grabbing the aggressor, dragging him through town on the front of his bike, and throwing him through a tree. Rip gives him the Rip ‘Em sign and leaves.

Despite attempting to assault and possibly rape or kill his quasi-girlfriend, this is still not enough to goad Rip into accepting a fight against Zeus, so Zeus decides to beat the holy hell out of Rip’s brother after one of his matches.

This touching music video that pretty much shows you the entire movie, as well as the clear pain that Rip feels before knowing what he has to do:

The outcome of the movie is never in question. Rip agrees to fight Zeus in a no holds barred match; a match with no rules at all. Rip gets his ass kicked for most of the fight before finding the will to win (because his now apparently paralyzed brother is able to move his pinkie) and wins because Zeus falls and Brell electrocutes himself. You just need to see it to believe it.

The movie was enough of a success to turn a small profit (opening only behind Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade at the box office), but as with everything Hogan touches, you get the sense he thought it was going to be a lot bigger than it was. McMahon and Hogan must have though that this piece of shit was going to somehow legitimize profession wrestling, where they probably set back it’s progression by about twenty years.

Hogan, being the master of promotion that he was, pitched the idea to Vince that Zeus should be able to fight the real Hulk Hogan, and while Vince was keen on the idea, the fact remained that Zeus couldn’t wrestle his way out of a paper bag. So in the interest of packaging the movie when it came out on home video and pay-per-view, a match was put together involving Hogan and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake (who plays Jake Bullet at the beginning of the movie) against Randy “King of Bad Career Decisions” Savage and Zeus in a cage to run after the movie. Nothing takes people out of the illusion that what they are watching isn’t staged like creative camera angles designed to creatively block Zeus from sight every time he does something or has something done to him.

In conclusion, this is a film that probably never should have seen the light of day. It feels like it was written by a six year old that has no concept of reality whatsoever and has a penchant for jokes involving bodily functions. As shitty as it is, however, it still stands as a testament to just how shameless Hulk Hogan is, as well as standing on it’s own as one of the best bad movies ever made.

Now, as final viewing enjoyment, please direct your eyes to the centre of the ring as a clearly happy to be there Hulk Hogan gives one of the worst television interviews to a clearly mortified Arsenio Hall. This clip also includes the “I won’t be around when this check clears” line and Brell saying “jock ass.”